Chile: A monolithic cultural icon was found dead
on a beach today.
Geeks and Cultists around the world will gather tomorrow in memory of Cthulu, once said to be the "Ultimate Evil".
Mr. Cthulu's remains were identified by a Mr. Dobbs, and another individual going by the name of Malaclypse the Younger. "I'd say I knew him well, but I don't think anyone truly did; he kept to himself most of the time; but I think that's the way everyone wanted it."
Cthulu was first appointed "The Ultimate Evil" by writer H.P. Lovecraft in 1910. An underground cultural icon, and a household name among the cultist, conspiracy and gaming communities. Cthulu later lost his status to several political figures following September 11, 2001; fans say it was mostly due to his reclusive tendencies & reluctance to flaunt or defend his title. A product line of plush dolls and other toys in his name still flourishes. Cause of death is still uncertain at this point; Cthulu had a very long life, though suicide has not been ruled out.
Mr. Dobbs merely shook his head when told that people were already seeking out a replacement Ultimate Evil; "The jelly isn't even cold yet" He said mournfully. "I don't anticipate that any Ultimate Evil will be quite as good as Cthulu." In the running is the Fearsome Bunny from Monte Python's Holy Grail, Mr. Cartman of South Park CO, and the entire organization of RIAA.
Other speculators and followers of the late Cthulu are said to be awaiting the US presidential election before deciding on a new Ultimate Evil. According to his advisors, GW Bush was dismissed from the running on the grounds that "He's too busy being President".
Cthulu is survived by several hundred thousand members of the Cephalopod family, but immediate next of kin is still TBD.
-S. Deva Steever
July 2nd, 2003